The Little Fallen Angel

So this is where I am and here's to where I'm going.

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 22:26:37 GMT

I saw a psychiatrist on Friday. He was a very nice man who didn't tell me much of what I didn't know, but hearing my own thoughts repeated back to me by Someone Who Should Know What They're Doing was very helpful. I will not be going back to school next semester. I absolutely need that time to just work and live a life unclouded by the failure my schooling brings. He also made some great suggestions for when I come back to school, including taking much greater advantage of the independent study system here, since I obviously hate classes so.

The money thing is clearing up again. There isn't quite an end in sight yet, but it's getting there, closer.

The diet thing kind of died at launch. I'll keep trying. I'll walk more.

I talked to my mother today, about stress and not going back to school and life. She did not freak out at me, like last time I said I didn't want to go back to school. She was understanding, if hesitant. I think my mother has figured out that freaking out only stressed and paralyzed me more. Sometimes I forget how smart and wonderful my mother is. I want so much for her to be happy. I wish she had a better older daughter than me. Maybe Kaitlin can make her proud.

FAST workshops went very well, in my opinion. I am looking forward to poking at my play again and seeing how I can improve it more. Maybe it's time for full rewrite number three. Here's to seeing if this play really is cursed or not. Speaking of, I need to contact my directors and the people who volunteered to run the directors. FAST is getting so big so fast, with so many people. Oh my oh my.

For the first time in a long time, I feel relief. I have been holding on to this ball of stress and fear, and it's shut me off from so many people. And while the future right now is so uncertain, I feel like, at least, it might be better than where I am now. I have hope.

Things are looking up, things are looking out.

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 00:12:41 GMT

So I'm not entirely sure how to feel about life as of late. I'm still so deep in debt that if I think about it too hard I want to cry, but my family is trying to help and it seems like things might get better. Having a job has helped my outlook so much, I can't even begin to describe.

To say that I've failed at this whole school thing would be an understatement, however. I'm making an appointment with academic advising to attempt to wipe this semester from my record and try again during the spring (mostly to keep my awesome job). I won't be graduating in the spring, but I don't care any more. I may or may not attempt to find a job anyway and simply cut my losses and move on with my life, or I may attempt to finish school. I'm not sure which yet--I want to see what spring brings first before I make any decisions.

On that note, I have an appointment to see a shrink on Friday. It's becoming clear that I have poor stress management skills and some serious motivation issues to work through, so I might as well take advantage of the resources I have now while I'm still a student. I'm simply tired of being my own worst enemy, especially when I have such a wonderful family backing me up in everything I do.

And, in matters of self improvement, I'm going to put forth effort again into losing weight. I'm going to eat better, try this one hundred push ups thing, and play DDR, as I've found traditional exercise programs to be unhelpful and embarrassing for me in the past, to the point that I tend to give up half way through day one. Both of these things are exercise I can do at home, alone, until I feel comfortable enough to sweat in front of other people (unlikely to ever happen, but, hey, there you go). My current long-term goal is to lose 100 pounds, which would put me safely in the recommended weight for my height. The goal for December is 15 pounds. I realize the holidays are the Worst Time Ever to start a diet, but to that end I figure I can use what little Starting-A-New-Project motivation I have to plow through it, and maybe use New-Years-Resolve motivation to carry me on into January. We'll see how that goes. Kindly do not ask me about it at any point, as even if it's going well, I won't want to talk about it.

Somewhat related; I am more understanding now about the not wanting to be the spokesperson for your sexuality/minority thing. While I still think it's smarter to explain, having been asked some... delicate? ... questions recently, I can see why some would hesitate or down right refuse to educate. Being unashamed of who you are still seems like a better course of action to me, but I also look at sex and sexuality from a rather clinical standpoint and can avoid the feeling that my privacy is being invade. Of course, I also think that curiosity and questions should always be encouraged and that people should only take offense if offense was meant. Eh.

I am leaving this entry public. I am attempting to open up more to people, to be less reserved and distant. I am trying to change (with the firm belief that people never really do).

I want to do so many things. I think it's time to set myself up to a place where I can.

I am a geek. Be one with me?

Fri, 29 May 2009 09:01:33 GMT

Okay. So. I used to RP a lot, mostly post by post (or play by post or whatever you want to call it). I greatly enjoyed that; it's what got me into writing.

But.

I also used to do pen and paper RPGs, like D&D, though honestly, I've only played D&D a few times and I'm not a big fan. The system I was into is called tri-stat, which was a free system that you can still get your hands on pretty easily.

I miss playing tri-stat, and I kind of want to run a one-shot game. But, it's hard to GM a game with no players.

Be my players?

Hear me out; tri-stat is not a hard system to learn. There is actually very little math involved, and it is much more conducive to story telling, though you can still have a good hack-and-slash adventure. If you want to play, I'll give you a copy of the rule book, point out the relevant bits you need to read so you can skip the rest, I will help you make a character (or adapt one of your own into the system), and I will listen to what kind of game you want to play (hack-and-slash, political intrigue, world exploration, zombie ninja pirates, I will go with anything). I will even buy you dice if that's what it takes (though I will probably run a d6 game due the availabilty of six sided die).

These games are fun, and I want to have that kind of fun again, and I want all of you to join me. I need at least three players (I find running games for any less than three people to be awkward), and I might cut it off at eight (ahahahahaha, like eight people would say yes). I plan on doing a four hour one-shot, with the possibility of continuing if people would like to.

At the very least, you can geek out hardcore for a few hours, and find out where some of those jokes in Munchkin come from. And there will be funny quotes for later. There are always funny quotes for later.

Any takers?

And yes, you can make fun of me, but if you do, I will annoy you incessantly until you agree to play. :D

(To the internet gang: I might use you all to test the one-shot. Any takers there?)

Dreamwidth

Mon, 18 May 2009 04:24:40 GMT

I have two invite codes. I will give them away for free! Free, free, free!

The ice voice doesn't come out often, but when it does... it's mostly an accident.

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 15:51:05 GMT

Call at 9:30 this morning.

Me: Hello?
Victor Garcia (our manager): Hi, this is Victor.
Me: Oh, hi.
Victor: I think I might have talked to you about this before, about possibly renewing your lease with us. If I'm not mistaken, it was a no, yes?
Me: Actually, no, we haven't talked about it. We plan on renewing.
Victor: Oh! Great, awesome.
Me: -thinking I will soon be back in the sweet embrace of sleep-
Victor: There's just a few things I need to tell you about before we resign.
Me: -gathers wits again-
Victor: First, rent will be going up next year to 820 a month--
Me: ... Oh will it?
Victor: ... Er... yes... and, parking (UNIMPORTANT OTHER INFORMATION IS UNIMPORTANT). So, give me a call in a couple days to let me know about your decision. Call me soon, we're trying to fill up again.
Me: Will do. Thanks.

820 A MONTH ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THAT'S 410 PER PERSON, 400 WAS MY ABSOLUTE MAX LAST YEAR AND THAT CERTAINLY HASN'T CHANGED AND NOW I NEED TO FIND A NEW PLACE IN JUST A FEW DAYS OR GET STUCK PAYING THAT MUCH MORE A MONTH ARGHABABBLE. IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK TO NOT PAY AN ARM AND A LEG JUST TO LIVE SOMEPLACE? I GUESS SO!

AND DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME IF YOU PAY MORE THAN I DO A MONTH THAT IS YOUR OWN GODDAMN FAULT, YOU PICKED THE PLACE. UNLESS YOU PLANNED ON STAYING IN YOUR CURRENT LOCATION AND HAD THE PRICE RAISED ON YOU I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT.

GODDAMNIT I'M GOING BACK TO BED.

>_<;

A review of The Shadow Queen

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 07:47:25 GMT

Dear Anne Bishop,

WHERE THE HELL IS THE NEXT HALF OF THE BOOK, BITCH? GODDAMNIT. I LOST MORE THAN A LITTLE BIT OF SLEEP READING THIS AND YOU APPARENTLY FORGOT TO WRITE THE SECOND HALF. WELL FUCK YOU VERY MUCH ANNE BISHOP. FUCK YOU AND THE FACT THAT YOU JUST WROTE THIS TO MILK YOUR SERIES FOR ALL IT'S FUCKING WORTH.

Love,
Kris

P.S. DEAR COVER ARTIST, THAT WOMAN ON THE FRONT IS BEAUTIFUL, DID YOU NOT READ THE STORY, HER LACK OF BEAUTY WAS HALF THE POINT. FUCK YOU VERY MUCH TOO.

P.P.S. RIGHT NOW I HATE EVERYONE. RAWR.

oh god it hurts to laugh

Fri, 13 Feb 2009 22:56:19 GMT

XD XD XD XD

I TAKE IT ALL BACK. FANFIC IS THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO THE WORLD. WE SHOULD ALL ENCOURAGE CRAPPY WRITERS TO WRITE MORE FIC BASED ON THEIR FAVORITE CHARACTERS. ESPECIALLY AUs.

UNICORNS!

LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

-coughing because she's still sick and laughing too hard to breathe properly-

unicorns!

Poe is ROLLING IN HIS GRAVE.

Sat, 27 Dec 2008 18:49:01 GMT

So, while working on my American Gothic final, I found an article on Poe's The Black Cat about the narrator. Since it wasn't relevant to my paper (which was on The Raven and was quite dry and boring), I moved on and found some other sources. But something about the abstract or something made me remember it, so today I went back and read it.

This article pretty well exemplifies why I think literary criticism is utter and complete bullshit. The thesis of the piece was that the narrator of The Black Cat is a lying liar and fabricates the events in the story to make himself seem less guilty, while his guilt-wracked subconscious drops subtle hints to the fact that he's a lying liar. This in itself is not rage-worthy. Poe has done this, and done it well. However, the way that the article went about proving this... -twitch-

At heart, I really want to be a scientist. I like cold hard facts. Interpretation leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Literary criticism is interpretation that likes to try to pass itself off as cold hard fact.

Cold hard facts: Damp places accelerate body decomposition. Dehydration greatly slows decomposition. THESE ARE FACTS. COLD UNDISPUTIABLE FACTS. THAT THE ARTICLE GOT WRONG. ABSOLUTELY WRONG. AND THEN PROCEEDED TO BASE ITS ENTIRE ARGUEMENT ON.

AND NOW I'VE FOUND OUT THAT THE INTERPRETATION IN THIS ARGUMENT IS THE WIDELY ACCEPTED ONE AND THEY ARE ALL BASED ON THE ERRONEOUS IDEA THAT BODIES DECOMPOSE FASTER IF DEHYDRATED INSTEAD OF BEING, YOU KNOW, DAMP.

Would it have killed any of these critics to do some fucking fact checking before bounding off into their happy land of how-they-want-the-story-to-be?

In conclusion, literary criticism is bullshit, nothing more than intellectual wankery, and a pathetic excuse for academia. Also, I bloody well hate the English major.

If you would like to read the article in question, it is here: http://proxy.lib.uiowa.edu/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&AuthType=ip,cookie,uid,url&db=afh&AN=9511241683&loginpage=Login.asp&site=ehost-live

Also, I would say that this interpretation of The Black Cat has Scully Syndrome. If the simplest explanation is the supernatural, BY GEORGE, MAYBE THE EXPLANATION IS THE SUPERNATURAL. But no, we can't have that, that would make The Black Cat a... a... HORROR STORY WITH FANTASTICAL ELEMENTS. NOOOOO, WE CAN'T HAVE FANTASY VIOLATING OUR PRECIOUS PRECIOUS LITERATURE.

THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

hajfdfkldfkjkjdfkdkfddkfdkfdkdkkdsl

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 00:20:57 GMT

This is not directed at any particular person. If it were, I wouldn't use LJ to express my anger; I'd say it to their face. That said, on to my rant.

I am poor.

It's a simple fact. I'm in debt, I'm about to be jobless for a little while, I have bills to pay, and not nearly enough money to pay them with. This is my fault. I accept responsibility for the fact that I am poor and in debt. I am working to fix this.

Part of my fixing this will be several things, only one of which affects all of you.

I will no longer be giving out rides unless you pay me as soon as you step foot into my car. While gas is cheaper now and my car gets good gas mileage, I am too poor to offer rides for free. But fear not! I am not a completely heartless bitch! If I am also planning on going where you wish to go (such as Ghost Comma or a movie), there is no charge, as I am going there any way and am not spending gas money purely on others. However, if you specifically ask me to give you a ride someplace I have not intended on going, I want two bucks up front, more if it's a longer ride. This makes me less expensive than a cab, but more than the bus, from what I understand. I am also less convenient than a cab, as I will not give you a ride if it does not fit my schedule (or I don't feel like it), but, perhaps, more so than the bus.

I'm not happy about this. I want to be able to do nice things for my friends, and I want to be able to help all of you with your lives. Unfortunately, I am in a place right now where I have to help myself first. All of you know me well enough at this point to know that selfishness is not my strongest bad trait, and I hope you can forgive me for the fact that I can't be as generous as I would like. C'est la vie.

Also, on the car-related note, since I've had several people ask me about borrowing my car as of late, just let it be generally known that I will NEVER lend out my car to ANYONE for ANY reason, no matter how much anyone needs it, no not even if it's an emergency or you're on fire. The only exception to this rule is my roommate because he specifically bought car insurance so he could drive my car and be covered. Part of the reason for my complete and utter refusal is that technically I don't own my car; it's my father's. I am insured to drive it and for all intents and purposes, it is my car, but I am not the legal owner and will, in fact, have to buy it from him either when I graduate or if it becomes totaled.

On a happier note, after finals are done, I won't have work or school so most of the time I will be sitting around, contemplating ways to grow money on trees or sleeping. As much as I wish I was still making money, I am looking forward to the complete and total down-time. Maybe I'll get some of my soul back.

lolololol, meme!

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 06:31:48 GMT

Music meme! Shuffle music player, post the first line of the first 20 songs in poem form.

You learn a lot about a girl
Mira mira mira mira mira
All the time we spent in bed
Last night a little dancer came dancin' to my door
People

Where are those happy days, they seem so hard to find
Ooh, Mr. Todd!
And now, we proudly present
Let's fake an answer for the curious
Un barquito de cascara de nuez

Gold teeth and a curse for this town
My rhyme ain't good just yet,
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do
Bound at every limb by my shackles of fear
So glad to see you well

She's a rebel, she's a saint,
So close no matter how far
When you're taught through feelings
Life has never been better than it is right now
I gotta get out

Really, only the last stanza makes any sort of sense (also, it depresses me). If I could cut out a couple of the lines, it might be a bit more... cohesive. As it is, I didn't expect this to turn out too well--people have been trying to influence my taste in music for too long, and it has resulted in a highly eclectic collection of music.

Meme too!

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 05:04:36 GMT

Quarantine (Edit: Also, That One Meme)

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 05:39:51 GMT

A summary: Oh jesus christ fuck.

Also, I am not amused by people who are irritating in the theater.

EDIT:

Comment and I will....

a) Tell you why I friended you.

b) Associate you with something -- a fandom, song, colour, photo, etc.

c) Tell you something I like about you.

d) Tell you a memory I have of you.

e) Ask you something I've wanted to know about you

f) Tell you my favorite userpic from your list

I don't care if you add this to your journal or not. :D

To Do

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 05:50:11 GMT

My To Do List.

E-mail professors about missed class
Read stuff for Romance
Read stuff for Gothic
Make up quiz for Gothic (?)
Read stuff for Core
Read stuff for Interpersonal
Read stuff for Persuasion
Laundry
Dishes
Take newly found orange ball of frightened fluff kitten to shelter
Call for snip-snip appointment for Leto
Figure out how to pay bills at end of month
Write out budget for rest of year
Work on Accents
Work on SPIRAL
Clean bathroom
Clean my room
Balance checkbook
Cry

Help!

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 00:15:34 GMT

(Reposted from Facebook)

So, apparently I have to move out of my apartment on Tuesday, as opposed to Thursday. I need some help, loves. For one, I need a place to put some of my stuff. Delia has already generously offered some space, but I don't want to overload her with all of it. Also, I need some places to sleep until th 2nd of August.

Austin is the same situation for his stuff, but he'll be going back to Omaha late Tuesday night/very early Wednesday morning and doesn't need a place to sleep.

So if you have some space/a couch/suggests/words of comfort, I would much appreciate it. Thanks all.

Charles de Lint...

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 06:58:13 GMT

... why didn't I start reading you sooner?

I'm only a little ways into The Onion Girl, and I'm already pretty certain that de Lint is the author I wish I was.

I need to write more.

200 Things I Have or Haven't Done.

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 07:05:28 GMT

Bold I have done.

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states.
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Bench pressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theatre
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favour of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Sword fought for the honour of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favourite childhood toy
128. Followed your favourite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Member of Congress
132a. Had them write back
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. ... more than once?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did ...
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a TV game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than US states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. ... and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196. Dyed your hair
197. Been a DJ
198. Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199. Written your own role playing game
200. Been arrested

It seems like I really haven't done all that much.

A summary and a plea.

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 17:38:51 GMT

(Yes, long post is long. I know.)

My friends list, summarized: OMG FLOOD.

For those of you who read this journal, don't live in Iowa City, and haven't been paying attention to the news, Iowa City and a lot of Iowa is underwater. I am fine and live on high ground. It is quite incredible though, how this is affecting so many people. I am temporarily out of a job, as it is impossible to get to my work. It's quite a huge disaster and there's been a lot of property damage, especially to my University.

Let me explain something. I am not a huge one for school pride. I am not about to go OMFG GO HAWKS HAWKEYES ALL THE WAY or anything of that sort. But I like this school a lot. The University of Iowa has its problems and its politics like every college, but this is a beautiful campus and the emphasis on the arts here has always been a source of joy for me. There are many libraries on campus, many shows (from stand-up to opera), lots of concerts, readings everywhere, and now a river is rising and, because of their close proximity to the water, many of the buildings that house these things are in danger or already flooded. The art buildings and museum are flooded. The music buildings are as well. The main library, home of an impressive collection of books, movies, and other media, is in danger. Several of my friends have temporarily lost their jobs as well, but their lack of work will probably last longer than mine.

I work at the University of Iowa Foundation within the Telefund department. I call alumni to ask them to give back to their school. I beg for money. Normally, I have some qualms with my job. In this case, I do not. The UI Foundation has set up a fund for flood relief, which will be used at President Sally Mason's discretion.

You can donate online here. If you don't feel comfortable giving to this fund, there are many others on the website, so you can give directly to the art museum or Hancher or any place else you want to help.

At my work, I'm told to start asking at the amount of 500 dollars. I know none of you have that to give. But do you have fifteen? Ten? Five? I know some of you don't even have that five right now, and that's okay--you're more important than this school by a long shot. But if you can afford to, any amount you can give adds up and helps.

Once I learn of a way to donate relief more generally (as in, to Iowa City instead of just the uni) I will post a link to that as well, as I spent a good chunk of today helping to make sure The Haunted Bookshop would have some protection against rising stream waters.

I am also going to walk my talk. My job has a program set up where you can donate an hour's worth of work to whatever fund you want it to. I'm going to do this twice once I can return to work. One time for the Art Museum, the next time for the flood relief fund. I will probably give half of that to a general fund for the city once I find that as well.

Until then though, I think I've done the extent of what I can do. Thank you to everyone who came to help today at the bookshop--I know I've already extended thank yous several times now, but it really does amaze and warm my little misanthropic and pessimistic heart to have seen you all there, not to mention the scores of other people who showed up just off the streets, some tired from days of sand-bagging. Also, everyone go buy a burger or something from Burger King, who generously donated fries to us when a very kind lady offered to go buy everyone food and water. Be sure to also give the co-op a bit of business, as they lent us four shovels without a blink of an eye.

Strange as it is, it seems this bad situation has really brought out the good in people. For once, I'm happy to be human.

Hm...

Sun, 18 May 2008 16:27:10 GMT

I am moved into my place and mostly unpacked. My mother bought me a nearly excessive amount of food which means I can put off grocery shopping for a day or so. I set up the router for internet, and noticed that Nadya left her power cord behind for hers. I'll e-mail her.

I met one of my neighbors so far. She's an adorable Korean girl. We chatted a bit last night and this morning she gave me some tea (I also gave her the new network name and password for our internet--whoops. Will have to slide a note under the other girl's door).

It's a nice place. Small room, shared bathroom, but the room is open enough that I don't feel crowded (kind of like living in a dorm room again), and it seems like I just have to find the patterns the other two girls have and simply fit mine in when it comes to the bathroom.

I do miss my family. It was so nice to see them yesterday and spend time with them. I'll be going to Belmond in June, but still.

I just realized I typed Belmond instead of home. It isn't that this room feels like home (though it's much closer than the dorms ever were), but now I know Belmond no longer is. I suspect home will be the new place in August, where I won't feel like the entire place is just transitional (like this room feels).

Tue, 13 May 2008 00:28:51 GMT

To Do From Here Until Move Out
Finish Accents Site
~~Laundry~~
~~Work on: Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday~~
~~Write Final Paper for Death (due Thursday)~~
~~Study for Sexual Ethics Final (Friday at noon)~~
Pack Stuff (Friday night)
Clean Room (Friday night/Saturday morning)
Move out into sublet (Saturday)

------

Gettingclosertodoneyay!

Also, I'm really looking forward to seeing my family this Saturday. I miss them. It'll be nice to spend time with them. I'm almost glad the person I'm subletting from can't move out until later in the day, because it means I can spend more time with my family. I'd go home for the weekend or something, but I'm working Sunday night. Right now the plan is to go home mid-June and for the 4th of July. My mother and sister will be in Colorado while I'm moving into the apartment in August (my dad will be there to help though), so they might come down Labor Day weekend to see the apartment and spend a bit of time with me. It should be nice.

Ranting.

Sun, 11 May 2008 21:04:42 GMT

So right now I'm avoiding writing my virtual worlds paper (which is due tomorrow) for reasons I can only really chalk up to as unbridled masochism and self-detrimental stupidity. Maybe after I write this and call my mom (it's Mother's day), I'll settle in and write the damn thing so I can turn it in early tomorrow then study furiously for my German final. Yes, that sounds like a plan.

I am short on cash right now, which means I won't be able to go see Speed Racer again as planned (sorry to Colleen and Sarah I really want to but I am poor and I'll tell you later in case you don't see this). I need to get used to this though because my expenses this summer will be completely my own, including rent, and I'll need to save ridiculous amounts of money for August because I decided living with an expensive roommate would be worth it because he's usually fun. This does mean if he isn't more fun than Saturday morning cartoons, I will murder him, but that's beside the point.

If I work every single day I can (which won't happen because I will have to go home a couple times to make sure I don't accidentally alienate my mother or something), I'm going to make about 800 a month (that is minus taxes). Rent is 260 a month, with utilities thank god, food I'm hoping to keep around 50 a month (shutup I can dream and eat too much ramen), net will be about 20 (I went back and forth on this expense, but decided for reasons I'll detail in a bit), all of which adds up to 340 a month. Add in about, oh, 30 dollars a month for random costs and maybe the occasional movie, and I'm left with 430 a month extra. This is for only June and July (as August I move in to my new place and I'm not counting May because, other than food, I've paid for all of the said expenses already). So, I'll end up with 860 left over to buy things like flatware and setting up a kitchen with ridiculous numbers of spices.

The question is, of course, why not get a second job? The schedule of my current one would certainly allow for it. The answer is: I have one. Kind of. My fiction writing teacher gave me the impression that with some clean-up I could get a story published, and so I was thinking about that, then thought to myself, "Self, the telefund job will make enough money that if you live cheaply, you don't really *have* to get another job. Then you could spend the summer writing and submitting places and pretending to actually be a real writer!"

And as soon as I thought that, I was torn. Yes, that's what I want to do and what better time to start? But, on the other hand, there's no money there (unless miracles really do happen), and the thought of someone reading my work strikes enough fear into my heart that the desire to go bury my head in some sand is an urge I actually have to squash, lest I do it. So I decided to call up my father.

My dad has never been the kind to tell me that a stupid idea I have is actually a good one (my mother is also usually this way, but I am her oldest daughter and she is less concerned with money than my father and me). I call him and ask his thoughts about my idea, of writing during the summer as a second job, fully expecting him to laugh, tell me to suck it up, and start finding another job.

He doesn't. He says he thinks it is a wonderful idea and maybe just the kick in the pants I need to get over my Jupiter-sized fear of rejection. He says he'll be expecting progress reports and will be extremely disappointed in me if I back out of the idea and get a second job instead. He likens it to a self-enforced internship, as it's a part of the field I actually want to go into.

I am eternally grateful for how supportive my family is about my desire to write, but a part of me wishes that this time I could have had him say no so I could grumble about it while working at the second job that pays a nice steady inflow of cash, secretly grateful that I don't have to torment myself by sending stories to strangers who might not like them. But the thought of disappointing my parents, especially while they're being exactly what many of my friends wish their parents would be, is enough to send me into nearly psychotic rock-in-the-corner fits, so I guess I'll be writing during the summer. Hence the reason for the 'net, as many magazines are available online for free, and it's my main source of entertainment anyway.

All this sounds more emo than it is; I'm looking forward to having time to write more and figuring out more things about the publishing industry (I swear to god, if one more person tells me to go read Miss Snark, I will take Mr. Stabby and menace things, possibly them), and I'm looking forward to having extended periods of alone time. I'm actually looking forward to work most of the time now too (and I mean the telefund job) because it has become, if not really enjoyable and least extremely easy to tolerate. And it's only four hours a day, and I have to take Fridays off, so I really can't think of a better job, unless someone suddenly decided to pay me for sleeping and/or being a snarky bitch.

Less Angst

Sun, 04 May 2008 07:27:07 GMT

I ran my hand through my hair just now and thought, "Whoa! When did my hair get nice?"

Apparently nearly a year of taking better care of your hair is what it takes to fix years of damage. Good to know.

Cast party tonight rocked. After the party, there we some chilling, and then I went with Ned ("I believe in faeries!" boy) to get pizza. We laughed at the drunk people and had a moment of panic when I thought I lost Mr. Pointy. I didn't. He is fine and safe with me. The pizza was okay, but my hunger made it delicious. The cold was less so. wtf Iowa? It's May! Where's my spring?

I got absolutely nothing in the way of work done today (other than actually going to work, where I increasingly find I get paid to sit there and listen to people's answer machines, which are often boring). So tomorrow will be spent frantically revising and rewriting a story due tomorrow. Sweet times ahead. Also this week: writing a Sexual Ethics Paper, preparing a Virtual Worlds Presentation, German work, and writing a Virtual Worlds paper and journal. I've gotten a good start on the virtual worlds stuff, and all the German stuff is easy, but... yeah.

During finals week, other than studying for a test and working, I will need to write that Death paper. But! I can see the end. And the end is a sweet sweet place indeed.

o______o;

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 22:09:58 GMT

To Do From Here Until Move Out
~~Plays~~
~~Take Car to Shop (Later Pick Up Car)~~
~~Find Second Job for Summer~~
Finish Accents Site
~~Finalize Sublet for Summer~~
Revise Fiction Writing Piece
Write Letter for Revision of Fiction Writing Piece
~~Write Sexual Ethics Essay~~
Study for Death Final
Prepare Presentation of Paper for Virtual Worlds
German Homework
Write Paper for Virtual Worlds
Write Journal for Paper for Virtual Worlds
Study for German Final
Write Final Paper for Death
Study for Sexual Ethics Final
Pack Stuff
Clean Room
Move out (And move into sublet)

Sprinkle work throughout there as well.

Dune, party, midterms, family.

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 21:56:39 GMT

First, a review of Dune, by Frank Herbert. Yes, I know I'm insanely behind with this one. Yes, it's already a sci-fi classic. Yes, whatever I say doesn't make a damn difference if you want to write sci-fi, because, frankly, if you do, Dune is required reading. But I spent a good chunk of the past four or so days with this thing, and by gods if I won't babble about what I thought of it.

It was pretty good. I'm not entirely sure what else to say about it. I suspect this does confirm my thoughts that sci-fi isn't really a genre that appeals much to me, as I'm willing to say that this is probably the best sci-fi I've read. (Flowers does not count. Flowers is its own special place in my heart.) The world itself was fascinating, and the plot was very intriguing, but both of these were an overwhelming and crushing force when it came to any true character development. Well, no. They developed. But most developed in ways they needed to for the story. Everyone was so aware of The Bigger Picture that it really took away from the impact of most changes. Most characters also often seemed to just be victims of circumstance, with no real autonomy away from fate/the writer. The lone exception to this was Alia, who was completely unnecessary to the plot and all sorts of crazy awesome. I'm almost afraid to read the rest of the books out of fear of what Herbert might have done to Alia.

I want to be able to say that it might make a better movie than a book, but that simply isn't so. It has too grand a scope for a movie, and Hollywood has already proved me horribly wrong, from what I've heard (I plan on watching the movie Dune sometime soon now).

If you like sci-fi, you should read Dune. If you want an example of good sci-fi, you should read Dune. If you don't much care about sci-fi at all, then read the book if you've got a free week and want mind-crushing headaches. No, seriously. They should put a warning label on there: Causes Mind-Crushing Headaches.

That might have just been my strange desire to out-smart the book though. My very strange and strong desire.

The party is tonight. Soon, I'll be leaving to pick up soda, chips, things of that nature. I'll then take them down to the shop. Then, I'll go drop some library books off and pick up a ice cream cake, then return to the shop. This should be about six-thirty, and at 7 I will take stock of people then order pizza (Wedge, in keeping with tradition). I'm supposed to be the sort-of hostess for this, but I'm unsure of what I'll do once things actually get rolling. I have ideas, but I want to be able to see who's there and what they might want to do. It's a good-bye to Game Night. There should be games. We'll see.

Midterms are somewhat over for me. I have one after break (isn't that awesome?). I have a big group presentation this Friday though, and got suckered into doing the first version of the powerpoint. Joy. That needs to be done by tomorrow. I also need to write 18 pages of a journal I haven't been keeping before Friday, and a paper. Those can wait though. Party comes first.

My cousin is getting married. I was told this last night. I didn't even know she had a boyfriend. Hello college bubble. When did you start blocking my family out too...? That might be the gray sheep bubble though.

Pablo Francisco

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 20:42:26 GMT

Because I avoid my homework by helping all of you avoid yours too!

Pablo Francisco is one of the funniest comedians I know. Here are a few amusing clips I've found.

Poetry and musing. But mostly poetry. No, it's not mine.

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 21:33:48 GMT

We Real Cool
The Pool Players
Seven at the Golden Shovel

We real cool. We
Left school. We

Lurk late. We
Strike straight. We

Sing sin. We
Thin gin. We

Jazz June. We
Die soon.

--Gwendolyn Brooks

-------

It's a cleaning day. Straightening out my desk I found a bunch of poems I liked from my creative writing class last semester. Not wanting to keep the papers, I decided the easiest way to keep them was to torture my FList. You can skip this entry if you want, but if I enjoy a poem, especially a contemporary one, that usually means it's freaking fantastic.

-------

notes for the early journey

somewhere along the way you will need to lean
over a bluff's edge drop your shoes and keep moving use
the feel of greening grass under your feet as a guide if a
rainbow confuses you which end go the third
way on the mountain you'll remember climb on
up to where the aspens tremble you will be alone these
high winds can knife some lungs to gasping rags but for you

there's nothing to worry about breathe sniff the air like
a bloodhound and head the opposite way find the
place where the land dissolves into sand keep walking when
that sand becomes sea speak a bridge into being
i know you can do it your father's son ain't
heard of can't follow the song don't stop until you're south
of sorrow and all you can smell is jasmine i never
once stumbled on such a place hard to say if a brown child
in the last four hundred years has had such
a luscious dream day or night but this is your mother's
lullaby i know she meant you to sleep sweet

for j.v.k.

--Evie Shockley

-------

Can you figure out why I love that poem so much? It was like solving a riddle, realizing what's there, and that delighted me.

I look amusing to me right now, in black pants and a black tank top, with a red bandanna on my head. I either look like trailer trash, a biker chick, or one of those artsy people who spend too much time painting. Since it's nicer clothing, I'm unwilling to go with white trash, I'll never have the look for a biker, and I'm not covered in paint so I don't pull artsy off either.

To me, I just look like I've been cleaning in clothes that say I need to do laundry and take a shower.

-------

51

The past and present wilt--I have fill'd them, emptied them,
And proceed to fill my next fold of the future.

Listener up there! what have you to confide in me?
Look in my face while I snuff the sidle of evening,
(Talk honestly, no one else hears you, and I stay only a minute longer.)

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

I concentrate toward them that are nigh, I wait on the door-slab.

Who has done his day's work? who will soonest be through with his
supper?
Who wishes to walk with me?

Will you speak before I am gone? will you prove already too late?

52
The spotted hawk swoops by and accuses me, he complains of my gab
and my loitering.

I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable,
I sound my barbaric yaws over the roofs of the world.

The last scud of day holds back for me,
It flings my likeness after the rest and true as any on the shadow'd
wilds,
It coaxes me to the vapor and the dusk.

I depart as air, I shake my white locks at the runaway sun,
I effuse my flesh in eddies, and drift it in lacy jags.

I bequeath myself to the dirt to grow from the grass I love,
If you want me again look for me under your boot-soles.

You will hardly know who I am or what I mean,
But I shall be good health to you nevertheless,
And filter and fibre your blood.

Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
Missing me one place search another,
I stop somewhere waiting for you.

--Parts 51 & 52 from Song of Myself by Walt Whitman

-------

My favorite lines are probably, "I bequeath myself to the dirt to grow from the grass I love, / If you want me again look for me under your boot-soles."

Other than these two parts, I'm really not that fond of Song of Myself, which strikes me as amusing. Of course I like the two parts about the end of his life. Of course.

My desk is still a mess, but I want to do this first, because my procrastination knows no bounds.

-------

We Wear the Mask

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

--Paul Laurence Dunbar

-------

So that's all the poems I'm keeping that I read for creative writing. Now that I'm in fiction writing, I won't be reading poems, which I'm very much okay with.

I need to organize my school books more than anything, sorting out the ones I couldn't get rid of last semester, the ones I'll need this semester, figuring out where to put what and whether I can make space on my shelf. Maybe I should actually organize my collection, instead of using my system of "wherever the hell I feel like putting it." I don't know if that'll magically create more space, but maybe. Until then, I guess that's that.